What Your Favorite Album Of 2024 Says About You

Taylor Swift - The Tortured Poets Department: If you just made eye contact with them once, you cry nightly over the situationship. If you have a long term relationship, you don’t talk about it much. Nobody has told you about the Close Friends Instagram feature even though you really, really need it.

Post Malone - F-1 Trillion: You were one of the people who looked up “who is running for president” the day before Election Day. (You chose Trump.)

Sabrina Carpenter - Short and Sweet: You love men, like a LOT, but lowkey feel like being straight is a curse. Your gay friend told you what “heterofatalist” means, but you didn’t tell anyone so the guy you’re seeing wouldn’t feel threatened. You’ve never actually seen Juno.

Katie Gavin - What A Relief: You are quietly tired of straight girls who say being straight is a curse, but you’re too nice to actually get mad about it. Your Lex bio reads "childless MILF lady 😘"

Maggie Rogers - Don’t Forget Me: You definitely told your gay friend being straight is a curse, but you’re so elegant, pretty, and well-composed they couldn’t stay mad. (You eventually started questioning after going to a Liberty game. By the way, they won.) 

Kacey Musgraves - Deeper Well: You still wear your pussy hat everywhere, but at this point it’s endearing.

Tyler the Creator - CHROMAKOPIA: You were watching Challengers and were mentally jotting down which Uniqlo fits would fit your current aesthetic. (EDITOR’S NOTE: I rejected at least four other blurbs because I didn’t leave Twitter just to get sucked back into more bisexual discourse)

Chappell Roan - The Rise and Fall of a Midwest Princess: You are exactly one year late to pop music and are just now learning this came out last year.

Charly Bliss - Forever You are exactly ten years late to pop music and are just now learning Carly Rae Jepsen has more songs than "Call Me Maybe." E•MO•TION IS REALLY GOOD YOU GUUYZZZZZZ, you proclaim, and you're still right.

MJ Lenderman - Manning Fireworks: You still read Steven Hyden, you still want to be Stephen Malkmus, your name might also be Stev/phen but is probably Mike.

Beabadobee — This is How Tomorrow Moves: Upon realizing you will never be Stephen Malkmus, you just got into pop music like all your other friends. And, uh, bossa nova on "A Cruel Affair"?

Charli XCX - Brat: You’ve lit a cigarette with someone else’s cigarette; you probably should quit smoking and think about settling down.  You saw The Substance and it spoke to your visceral fear of aging, but you’re enjoying your youth even as you feel it slip away.

Coldplay - Moon Music: You speak exclusively in “La La Las”, kind of like that one Dexter’s Laboratory episode where he could only say “Omelette Dü Fromage.”

Clairo - Charm: When you have a crush, you are so lovestruck you can only communicate in “Br br br brrrr br brnrnr Br br br brrrr br brnrnr” or “daaaa dum dadadada dum”

Kendrick Lamar - GNX: You don’t act any differently around a crush, but will also shout out “a-minorrrrrrrr”, “what is it the bRAIDS”, and “MUSTAAAAAAAAAAAAARD” at random intervals, no matter the occasion. 

Charli XCX - Brat and it’s Completely Different but Also Still Brat:  You're so sick of the memes but you still say 'bumpin' that' compulsively every hour on the hour. Reader, twink death only exists for those who believe in it; you are beautiful no matter what they say, even if you’re old enough to sing the Christina Aguilera song in your head. (Sincerely.)

Laura Marling - Patterns in Repeat: Your gay employee said “YAAS MOTHER” within earshot. You looked back at the twink, smiled at your child clinging to your side, and wistfully mused “Yep, that’s what I am. It’s what I was always meant to be.” An orchestra suddenly appeared and called back to one of your most beloved motifs from 11 years ago.

Vince Staples - Dark Times: You have Vince’s Hot 97 radio interview about Ray J memorized despite the fact that you can’t name a single Ray J song. Anyways, isn’t it wild that Ray J showed up to the premiere of a Candace Owens movie?

ROSÉ - Rosie: You have only heard Taylor Swift songs your entire life, and nothing after Speak Now. Someone snuck a Ting Tings song into your rotation and it briefly almost changed your life.

Lawrence - Family Business: You were the co-worker of someone who calls Lawrence co-worker music, but you got the promotion you wanted and they’re still hungover from the MJ Lenderman show, so who’s really winning, you or Mike? (Oh come on, if Lenderman wrote “sometimes the great wall feels just like a wall/sometimes Ringo wishes he was Paul” you lot would lose your shit.)

Zach Bryan - The Great American Bar Scene You believe that the only person who ever loved you unconditionally is your dog. You have a mountain of issues that you desperately need to work on but you think cracking a cold one with the boys will save you more than therapy ever will. Maybe that’s true. At least, for now it is. Next time, just date a less famous person.

Knocked Loose - You Won’t Go Until You’re Supposed To:  You always knew Poppy could scream like that; you didn’t know Brian could RHHHHHH like that, and especially didn’t think he would on live national television.

Billie Eilish - HIT ME HARD AND SOFT: Your crush asked if you wanted to eat out for lunch and you got unreasonably worked up. You’d never act on it, though, so you channeled that energy into doxxing me.

Gracie Abrams - The Secret of Us: If this is your favorite album, your taste isn’t bad, but if you DM me I will personally recommend you other singer-songwriter albums you may also like. I am completely serious, I promise there is more to this genre.

Nilüfer Yanya - My Method Actor: You showed vulnerability once and it still haunts you.

Chanel Beads - Your Day Will Come: You have undiagnosed sleep apnea, which is why you’re always a little bit tired. It’s part of your personality, though, you're just a sleepy lil sweetie bb

Beyoncé - Cowboy Carter: You’ve been a lifelong country music fan since March 29, 2024. You appreciate authentic country music that speaks to the American experience of watching a Verizon ad during the Super Bowl. You’re definitely ahead of the curve on Shaboozey since you vaguely knew who he was in the two weeks between Cowboy Carter dropping and "A Bar Song"’s release. You’re a trendsetter, after all.

Geordie Greep - The New Sound: You feel like you get too much of your opinions from rateyourmusic; deep down, you always envied the theater kids.

Ariana Grande - Eternal Sunshine: You make vocal range fancams and you cannot believe Ariana saved an A5 for “Santa Tell Me (eternal sunshine sessions live).“ Not even you have any idea why the Wicked movie worked as well as it did.

IDLES - TANGK: You are the type of person to comment “ no IDLES?” on these lists, and the type to ask why IDLES got such a glib blurb when they’re obviously the most vital rawk band on the planet.

Mk.gee -  Two Star & the Dream Police: You only listen to music through the garbled PA speaker at your childhood strip mall, where the Phil Collins songs hit different.

Halsey - The Great Impersonator: You’re afraid to have a house party with all your friends because it means you’ll have to switch between all your different personalities. Someone called you too intense once and you screamed back “I’m NOT FCUKING INTENSE !1!1!1! U JUST DONT NO WHAT ITS LIKE 1!1!1!!1!” (You’re right, you’ve been through a lot and people shouldn’t discount that. You’ve definitely never heard a Kate Bush song, though.)

Eminem - The Death of Slim Shady (Coup De Grâce): Your queer friends love your charmingly dated shock value humor; your straight friends love your righteously invigorating hate speech; you don’t know which one it is either. You aren’t even sure how many layers of irony you’re on anymore.

Father John Misty - Mahashmashana: You know exactly how many layers of irony you’re on, and you always have.

The Last Dinner Party - Prelude to Ecstasy: You always do “Dog Days Are Over” at karaoke, but you never hit the note in the second verse even though you’re convinced you did. You haven’t heard the 2024 albums from Honeyglaze, English Teacher, Another Sky, Porridge Radio, or any other band doing what this band does but actually any interesting. 

Bleachers - Bleachers: You played “Me Before You” through a garbled PA speaker and told your friends it’s Mk.Gee. 

Porter Robinson - SMILE :D: Hey, uh, buddy, you’re spending too much time on Discord and obscure anime subreddits. Have you seen I Saw the TV Glow yet? Think you might realize some things. Only when you’re ready!

Various Artists - I Saw The TV Glow OST: You’re salty about Porter Robinson’s success because half your trans friends have made better music in their studio apartments. You don’t know why there aren’t any trans women artists on the soundtrack either, but you’re too busy crying to “Starburned and Unkissed” to care.

Claire Rousay - Sentiment: You modified your lungs so you only speak in mournful autotune. You’ve made better pop music than Porter Robinson, but the hard drive wound up at your girlfriend’s other girlfriend’s ex-girlfriend’s house, so no one will ever hear it. 

Rachel Chinouriri - What a Devastating Turn Of Events: You… like remarkably solid unpretentious pop-rock with sharp songwriting and pristine production? How am I supposed to roast that?

Katy Perry - 134: You’re probably the reason I’m not on Xwitter anymore.

YS- Vultures: You’re probably the reason most other people aren’t either.

YS- Vultures 2: You’re a bot.

Note: I decided to include some more LGBTQ-centered jokes this year I’d normally cut out because this is on a queer newsletter instead of Medium. 

They read more glib post-election, but I'm keeping them as is. Regardless of backlash, there will always be the mundanities of queer life: messy trans polycules, and gender-questioning crises exist regardless of what legislation passes. 

It’s hard to say “queer people will persevere” without thinking of the infamous survivorship bias airplane. But we fucking better.

Beyoncé, Vince Staples, and Tyler, The Creator blurbs written by David Simon @snidelaughter

Zach Bryan blurb written by Al Valera

Eminem blurb written in collaboration with Holly Boson

Ariana Grande blurb written in collaboration with Kristen S. He

Geordie Greep blurb written by Moka Medium

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